I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
