i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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