I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
