I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
