There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
