hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
