Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
