I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
