we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
