I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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