Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
