I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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