my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
