I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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