We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
They have beer where we have blood.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize