She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
