dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
