new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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