Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
