my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
