I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
