i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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