I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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