John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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