He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
