I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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