I can text with my tongue
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
