Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
