Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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