I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
