Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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