I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i may or may not be watching the land before time
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
