Can i not drive my cunt home
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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