when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize