Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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