It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
