Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
one might say we're banned from that church
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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