dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
