he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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