Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Randomize
