Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
