Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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