I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
