I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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