it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
