you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
