Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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