This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
