WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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