I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
