I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
