I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
