he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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